Toby Ryerson is flamboyantly gay in a small town that doesn't know what to make of him. This book is written as a letter to his dead mother, who died of an overdose when Toby was a little boy. At the time, Toby's big brother Jimmy put his life on hold to take care of Toby. Now that Toby is seventeen, he's convinced that Jimmy doesn't really see him. Toby's sure he's just like their mother - destined for meaningless sex with lots of people. Jimmy dreams of sending him to college, but Toby dreams of moving to New York City and becoming part of the party scene.

And then in a gas station convenience store, Dylan, the boy Toby loves and secretly has sex with at the Marsh Trail - he says terrible things about Toby's dead mother to his tough-guy friends. Toby decides a fitting response is to tell those thugs what he and Dylan have been up to. And when they in turn start beating Toby up, a tall handsome stranger comes to his rescue - but it turns out he's not such a stranger after all.

And that all starts a chain of events that rapidly gets way out of Toby's control.

I read this book because the author sent it to me after I loved the anthology he edited, We Mostly Come Out at Night. And I'll be honest, it's not a book I would have picked up otherwise. Toby makes a whole lot of bad choices in the course of the book, and the "gritty" description on the cover is apt. It comes to be clear that Toby feels responsible for his mother's death and many other things as well. So when bad things happen, he feels like that's what he deserves.

However, Rob Costello is a good writer, and he makes me care deeply about Toby, even while reading about his bad choices. It convicts me, because in real life I might have dismissed Toby as deserving what he got - but by reading his perspective, I understood better how it could happen, I really cared about what was happening, and was super thankful for the appropriately hopeful ending.

Here's an excerpt from an Author's Note at the back of the book that explains why this book is important, with all its grit:

Teenagers need and respect truth, even when it's upsetting. Even when it makes adults uncomfortable. At a time when there are growing calls for censoring even the most innocent of queer books, queer teens urgently need stories that address the specific traumas many of them still face. When we shy away from telling such stories, we reinforce the terrible message of the censors that certain queer experiences are shameful and should be kept hidden. That the queer teens who endure them are problematic and don't matter.

In this book, Toby deals with homophobia, bullying, outing, sexual predation, and assault. His world includes pervasive alcoholism and substance abuse, promiscuity, homophobic slurs and violence, and even suicide. Toby's story is not for everyone. Ultimately, however, he discovers his inner strength, leading him to a place of family and forgivenss, self-respect and love. He learns that it's never too late for hope. He finds his way.

This is a book for readers who need it, and who need it for that classic reason: to know they are not alone. I want those readers to draw their own strength from Toby's story. I want to say to them, "I see you. I love you. I honor your struggle, and I know that you will find your way."

Even though I would have said this story wasn't for me, I feel the richer for having read it, more empathetic, and more caring about lives very different from mine - lives full of value.